Artemis Fowl and the Other Hunter
by Sakina the Fallen Angel
Summary: Remember that 'long talk' that Holly promised Artemis? Well, watch out Artemis/Orion, for here it comes! Very short story in which Artemis and Orion fight for the hand of Holly, set just after the Atlantis Complex. Major crack ensues. R'n'R please!
1. One

**Summary:** Remember that 'long talk' that Holly promised Artemis? Well, watch out Artemis/Orion, for here it comes! Very short story in which Artemis and Orion fight for the hand of Holly, set just after the Atlantis Complex. Major crack ensues. R'n'R please!

* * *

**Artemis Fowl and the Other Hunter**

_by _

_Sakina the Fallen Angel_

**One.**

Artemis and Orion were both understandably nervous. Not about the hordes of PPTV reporters that had taken up camp outside the clinic – they were currently in the process of being evicted – but by the prospect of something a little smaller, more singular, and ten times more formidable. Luckily, she wasn't here yet, so THE TALK could wait.

Of course the drugs and the therapy were having their desired effect of mental recovery. And if they weren't, then the threat of Butler's hulking build ensured that Doctor Argon worked overtime to make it happen. Butler's presence had also generated a large deal of interest from the TV stations. He even had his own documentary, which recycled the infamous footage from his fight with the troll to augment the man's fearsomeness. And so, for the third time today, the bodyguard found himself surrounded by wide-eyed fairies, all eager to play 'who can get closest to the Mud Giant without being obliterated'.

With a roll of his eyes, he gently swatted the youngsters (and some daft LEP) aside in order to better focus on the task at hand. There really had been no need for Butler to stick around, but duty was duty, and so far, no one dared to separate the bodyguard from his principal. However, Butler was only allowed into the clinic three times a day, so the rest of his hours were spent scowling at the TV cameras that were pointed at the clinic. That is, until some bright spark had the idea of making Butler useful to fairy society.

During the first stages of Master Artemis' treatment, the LEP had given Butler a tourist pass and allowed the bodyguard to have a look around Atlantis, in exchange for his help with the repairing of the city following the disaster of the probe. Butler was currently engaged in acting as a pillar to support some foundations whilst a group of elves and dwarves ferreted around with various tools to make sure that when the city floor was finished, it wouldn't have any unexpected hills.

"You said this would only take an hour," grumbled the bodyguard through his pressure suit.

"Well technically," Foaly said with a nervous chuckle. "But right now we're somewhat closer to the centre of the earth, and any fool knows what that means."

Butler turned his head and drilled holes into the floating pod with his stare.

"Let's just pretend for a few minutes that I am not 'any fool'."

Even though he was safe from Butler, and ninety-nine percent of the centaur's brain knew it, Foaly still emitted a whinny. "Eh, what I meant was that because we're closer to the earth, we feel a greater pull of gravity which Einstein correctly deduced affects the flow of time, although the People were aware of this long before- ah, meaning that time here flows more slowly than on sea level."

Butler raised an eyebrow. "Oh? By how much?"

"Barely noticeable, unless say you were in possession of one of my beautiful pieces of tech."

The centaur shot Butler a suspicious look.

"What was your original point?"

Butler rolled his eyes again. He wasn't used to being goaded by the centaur, and fervently wished that Diggums was here. Oh gods, had he really just thought that?

A week ago, the ex-kleptomaniac wind machine had been sent to take his sister back to the surface in order to fabricate some sort of story to prevent Angeline Fowl from making her way down here to see her son. Delay tactics. So far, Diggums and Juliet had destroyed the garden, caused the power supply to fail three times, and had even 'burgled' anything that could viably be construed as transport. But they were running out of ideas, and did not want to stick around for when Angeline would finally figure it out.

_Come on Artemis, you need to get better faster._

Back at the clinic, Doctor Argon's latest celebrity patient had just finished another dose of therapy. The gnome wrung his hands together as he gazed at his patient with consternation wrinkling his brow. The boy was lying on an examination couch. His eyes were closed, and his expression was serene, peaceful even.

It had to be the 'other one'. Orion, was it?

"Orion?" Argon's voice was tentative.

"Negative, doctor," Artemis snapped, and sat bolt upright. For a few seconds, his old trademark scowl held sway, and then it was blown away to be replaced by a pained look. "I am very sorry...doctor."

The gnome mentally counted the number of words in the boy's sentence and sighed. Still fives.

"It's OK. Personality regression is a common side-effect of the treatment. Soon we'll have you spick and span again."

"Goody!" Artemis clapped his hands, fighting an internal battle of sarcasm versus genuine hope. Goody? That had to be Orion. "And then maybe I can finally leave this infernal room."

Nope. Just plain old Artemis. Albeit an Artemis still suffering from Atlantis Complex. There was only so much that his sensitive feelings could take from the prickly Mud Boy when he was back in old Artemis mode.

"Ah, I think I'll leave you alone for a bit. Until your old personality wears off a little." The gnome backed away from the examination couch, eyes fixed on his very expensive equipment.

"I have no intention of inspecting your equipment, kind Doctor," Artemis said. A ghost of his old wolfish smile graced his face.

_In fact, I hacked into it the moment you turned your back on me...Doctor, and I bet you do not know that I am currently monitoring my own progress.  
_

"...Good." And with that, Doctor Argon's fingers drummed a tattoo into the keypad. He was out of the room before the doors slid fully open.

Once Argon was gone, Artemis' facade collapsed and he retreated into his mental headspace, which was an exact replica of his study back at Fowl manor. A second leather swivel chair had been installed for the comfort of his guest, but Orion preferred to prance about dramatically to make his points.

"Really Artemis, what on earth are you thinking, goading the poor Doctor like that?"

"You're being very difficult today," Artemis muttered, tapping his foot to the rhythm of his thoughts. Was his other self trying to aggravate him? Artemis shifted uncomfortably in his own leather chair. "You need to say one more word in your sentence. Just one more word, Orion! And perhaps you should think about taking up ballet too."

"What a wonderful idea!"

"Note that I was jesting," Artemis replied tersely. His eyes widened. "Your words ring of death!"

Not again! This couldn't be coincidence. One. Two. Three. Four. The flowery buffoon was definitely baiting him, he could see it underneath that serene smile. Artemis began to edge away from his counterpart.

Orion folded his arms and tutted. "My boorish buffoon, and you were making such fabulous progress on overcoming that little army of yours."

Said army had decided to undergo an offensive strategy known as meiosis, and now baby 'fours' were whizzing about the place, trailing blue sparks in their wake. Artemis shuddered, feeling himself spiral out of control.

"I. Am. Making. Excellent. Progress."

It was a lie. Artemis had read the charts. _Relapse, spurred by unknown anxiety issues_, today's hacked report read. Artemis had almost changed the report to read something more positive.

Almost.

Orion skipped up to Artemis and hugged his alter ego from behind before laying his chin on top of the boy's mop of raven hair.

"This relapse. You're worried. I know what this is about. And you know what this is about. And I know what you know, and that you know that I know you know, so therefore we both know, don't we?"

Artemis swallowed. "Idiot, I do not know what you are talking about."

His mind instantly betrayed him by flashing back to the illicit kiss that Holly had stolen from him, his first kiss. Artemis felt a blush and a stammer creeping up. And then his mind decided to torture his poor self further by flashing forwards to the brief periods of time when he'd actually been a prisoner inside his own head, unable to do anything but watch whilst his sappy alter ego pranced around and heaven forbid him..._flirted_ with the Captain.

"The boy doth lie!"

_Betrayed by my own mind_, Artemis moaned softly to himself, burying his face into his hands. Through a slit between two fingers, he made out a group of fours tittering at him.

"What do you think our fair lady will say?" Orion stopped using Artemis as a chinrest. He cocked his head to the side and raised a finger. "Orion, I was wrong about trying to hide my feelings for you. Once you slay my captor, Commander Kelp, I will allow you to rescue me and then we can ride into the sunset on our noble seahorse steeds."

"Hey!" Artemis shot up, his fear of fours momentarily forgotten. "She would never say something as idiotic as that. Plus," he added with a crafty smile, "It is Artemis she's after, not Orion."

Orion sighed a dramatic sigh, and decided not to bother informing Artemis that he was referring to himself in the third person again.

"Your juvenile advances simply made you appear more the fool."

"Is that so, my compadre?"

"Unequivocally so," Artemis said testily. His eye twitched, and a second later he added, "Mentally challenged ignoramus."

"Your attempts to scare me away using advanced vocabulary will not work, dear buffoon!" Orion drew himself up to his full height. "For I am you, and you are...I?"

"This is absolutely terrible grammar," Artemis muttered, turning away from his idiotic mind clone. He pulled his chair up to his desk, and drummed his fingers upon the ornate oaken surface. Orion had put him in a very difficult position indeed. Artemis needed space to think and process his thoughts, but the fours wanted amusement, and so they began to hop onto the desk and march towards him.

Orion heard a strangled cry and was instantly beside Artemis.

"Shoo, shoo," he said, batting away some of the braver fours.

"They are everywhere," Artemis exclaimed, face white. Well, whiter. "Death, death!"

"Shh, Arty," Orion murmured, cradling the shivering boy's head in his arms.

The panic attack lasted a minute, and once the minute passed, Artemis was a little closer to his old self. Metaphorically.

"This needs to end...now." Artemis took a shaky breath and extricated himself from himself.

"It will, it will. Doctor Argon is working on it, remember?"

"I am trusting my mental wellbeing to someone whose computer password is his own name. There is no more hope left for me, other self."

"Good, good," Orion replied dismissively. "So until then, shall we focus on our other predicament at hand?"

"Are we talking about my impending perpetual embarrassment from a certain female officer thanks to a gallivanting air-headed fool who could not keep his mouth shut for even a minute?" Artemis focused the weight of his blue and hazel stare upon Orion and added in a deadpan voice, "Shutting one's mouth is a simple task, Orion and saves you from unnecessary energy expenditure."

"Oh, you doth wound me. I was helping all of us out, you know? Speeding up the chain of events that would lead to THE TALK." As he finished his sentence, a broad grin stretched across Orion's face. He ended with a throwaway question. "Isn't she due back to visit her favourite patient today?"

Artemis gulped. This Orion fellow was a lot smarter than he looked. And when he had the face of Artemis Fowl, then there was little doubt that there must be a genius buried underneath those love-struck features. Buried very deep, but there nonetheless...

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**R'n'R please! ****Ah, it's been a long time since I posted something here! This is gonna be a very short story, probably **_**four**_** chapters long...*smirk* ...If you can't wait for another update, then my first Arty fic, Artemis Fowl's Self Assessment, could have a bit more lovin'... ;)**

**Sakina xxx**

**13.08.2010**


	2. Two

**Two.**

There was something to be said for a man who could support one protruding corner of an ancient city whilst being thousands of metres underwater and still appear so stoical. No one had told the Mud Giant yet, but word had come in a few minutes ago that the titanium alloy support which would hopefully replace Butler was being synthesized in his exact image. The Atlantean Council were currently looking for engravers to forge a panel to artistically read 'The Atlas of Atlantis'.

From the safety of his shuttle, Foaly allowed himself a brief chuckle at the idea and then returned to his work. A few minutes later, a vibrating pocket interrupted the centaur's calculations, and he fished out his phone to the opening bars of Disney's 'Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go...' This was Foaly's personalised ringtone for his most favourite dwarf in the world. After joining in the song for a few bars, Foaly hit the 'receive call' button.

"Your friendly neighbourhood genius speaking, how can I help you?"

On the other end of the line, Mulch emitted a loud and unidentifiable noise. "Hey centaur, I'm good too thanks. How're the kids doing?" Before Foaly could reply with a quick jab, Mulch continued, "Anyway, I'm just calling to let you know that we've been busted."

"Already?" Foaly whinnied.

Mulch was affronted. "How was I to know that Mrs Fowl is just as devious as Fowl junior? The woman is demanding a luxury shuttle to 'come and see my dear Arty right this instant!' So I showed her the piece of junk you LEP hotshots lent me and now she's calling up some David Attenbooboo Mud Man to try and get her own Mud shuttle. Apparently he did a documentary or something on Atlantean seafood."

Foaly was impressed. That was a long speech for Mulch. Granted, half of it was him complaining, but nevertheless, Foaly felt that he was making progress with his positive influence. "How did you get caught? Don't tell me, you were hungry and tried to sneak some food out whilst momma Fowl was pretending to nap on the couch?"

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"The feast you promised me had better be ready and waiting, centaur."

Foaly smirked. "The shuttle we lent you had better still be in one piece when you get back, dwarf."

He hung up, and drummed his fingers on the desk, rapping out the end of the 'Heigh-ho' song. Foaly's gaze drifted lazily to the front window in his shuttle. Here, he had a view of all of the construction work that was currently taking place, plus some wonderful underwater scenery. Something in the background caught his attention.

Something familiar looking.

Foaly's eyes narrowed. He opened his v-pad and typed a note to himself: keep an eye on that giant squid.

-x-

Holly Short's shift had ended an hour earlier than usual, so she'd hopped onto the first available shuttle to Atlantis. The cool down from her latest misadventure was a little more strained than usual. Commander's orders were to go back on duty straight away. Holly had contemplated using up a few of her hard-earned work holidays so that she could keep a closer eye on Artemis, but, that was absurd. She wasn't his babysitter.

Plus, she was a police officer. She had a job to do.

It had been a few days since she'd last visited Artemis in his cell. Holly found the teenager reclined on his couch, watching A Knight's Tale. To a casual onlooker, the boy would appear relaxed, but Holly had known Artemis for long enough and therefore did not fail to spot the slight frown marring his otherwise expressionless face. She padded into the room and stopped beside him. Holly noted that in his current position, they were almost at the same head height.

"Hello Artemis. Enjoying the movie?"

"Greetings, my fair princess," the teenager said, without taking his eyes from the v-screen.

Holly did a double-take.

"Orion?" She cocked her head, studying her friend at closer quarters. The sterile white lighting illuminated the twitching of Artemis' lip as the corner of his mouth tilted upwards by a fraction. "Artemis, you scoundrel!"

"I am hurt, Holly. Surely you know me well enough to distinguish the real me from my impostor." Artemis feigned a hurt look. "As for the answer to your initial query, I am only tolerating this historically inaccurate nonsense to shut him up," he muttered, averting his gaze to spare himself the embarrassment of enduring Holly's amused grin.

"I see," Holly replied, mimicking Artemis' dry tone. "Let's take a moment to examine the facts. Ignoring the obvious princess comment, perhaps it was the lack of your signature fear of fours which threw me off the trail."

"It's good to see you too. I'll have you know that I am getting better, Captain," Artemis said. "Although I fear you are beginning to sound a little like our good friend, Doctor Idiot. No doubt he is watching us right now from the hidden surveillance camera planted in the lighting, taking down notes for what he so fervently wishes to be another bestseller."

"Arty," Holly said gently, "there is no hidden camera in this room."

Artemis turned the volume up louder, and then leaned over to whisper in Holly's ear. "I know he is watching me right now. Did you know that this is the same room in which the Doctor kept Miss Koboi?"

"Arty." Holly prised the remote from his hand and turned the volume down. "I had a look at Argon's report before I came in here today, and it says that you're in relapse, spurred by 'anxiety issues' that you 'refuse to communicate' to Argon. He says that your treatment is producing 'erratic results', and that when you seem lucid, you appear to take pleasure from reversing the roles of doctor and patient." Holly raised an eyebrow during her last sentence. Typical Artemis.

"I know," Artemis quipped. "I added the last section." Once again, he averted his gaze, choosing to rearrange the cushions on his couch instead of looking at Holly.

"Artemis, I'm here as a friend, not as another enemy-"

_Although we were enemies once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away..._

"-and as a friend, it's really painful to see you like this. You have to stop taking control of your treatment. Doctor Argon is the expert; you need to let him take charge." She rested a hand on his shoulder. "You promised me, remember?"

Artemis stiffened ever so slightly upon Holly's touch. He nodded, and said to himself, "I shall surrender myself completely once we have had THE TALK."

"I'm sorry?" Holly's brow furrowed.

The uncomfortable expression on Artemis' face indicated that he did not wish to elaborate, and that it was up to her to figure it out. Typical teenage behaviour, she thought with a frustrated sigh. She mused over Artemis' last sentence, wondering what he could mean by 'the talk'.

"By the way, Orion wishes to express his greetings, but I have censored everything else that he would like to say."

"Hello Orion," Holly said with uncertainty.

A smirk tugged at the corner of Artemis' mouth, but then he grimaced. With some physical difficulty, the teenager's normally crafty features were rearranged into a non-Artemis expression, and the boy wearing Artemis Fowl's face grinned as he jumped to his feet.

"At last, I am free!" Orion gulped a deep lungful of air before turning to Holly with a theatrical bow. "Fair princess, I never got to finish this last time so my declaration of-"

"Not this again," Holly groaned, burying her head in her hands. The talk, the talk...Holly's eyes widened. "Oh, THE TALK."

Was this the thing that Artemis had been worrying so much about?

Artemis had resumed control of his body for the time being. He'd begun muttering to himself, as if he were fighting an internal battle. Holly picked out the odd word and phrase, such as 'stop it', 'birthmark', 'fool', and 'you'll destroy me'. She bit her lip, wondering just how much she was responsible for this new level of psychosis.

"...Holly, Holly, please do not pay attention to anything- _ignore the boor, fair princess! My love cannot be denied any longer!_ - that idiotic babbling..." Now Artemis was clutching his head. He emitted a strangled sound and sat back down as Orion won for the moment with a singsong battle-cry of, "_Four, four, four, four!_"

How inventive.

Holly could feel a headache coming on, so she walked over to the cell door, slid it open and wheeled a trolley into the room. Orion watched from his couch with a great degree of interest as she grabbed a small remote control and some wireless electrodes from the array of equipment. His curiosity then turned to horror. Before Orion could protest, Holly stuck one electrode on each side of his forehead and jabbed one of the buttons on the remote, sending the room into v-space. Much better. Now, the entire room had been transformed into a dark version of Artemis' mind-space, and instead of one Mud Boy, she was face to face with two.

Holly noticed that Orion was clad in what could only be described as Michelangelo meets Lord of the Rings.

Artemis quickly got over his momentary disorientation and stood up. He prodded one of the electrodes with his index finger. "I presume that these devices attached to my head are interacting with my brainwaves to project my virtual mind space onto this room. And it appears that these devices are also able to separate my personalities. Ingenious. One of Foaly's inventions?"

"Actually, I think this was patented by Opal Koboi," Holly said, relieved to find some intelligent conversation again. "Foaly's theory is that she used it to talk to herself, but then the Psych Brotherhood figured that this would be a good way to treat those with Atlantis Complex."

"It makes sense. Only someone as twisted as Opal could invent something like this."

"Are you saying that in this v-space, I am nothing more than a projection?" Orion demanded, flailing his hands about like a rabid windmill.

Artemis folded his arms and straightened his back. "Of course. As I am the 'real' me, I possess overruling rights to this body."

"Good sir, you can't just oust me from our body!"

"I think I just did."

"And I thought this would make things easier," Holly muttered, glowering at them both.

"Apologies, fair maiden," said Orion. Artemis looked away. "And I know that extracting an apology from my counterpart is like trying to part a fairy from its gold, so I am deeply sorry on behalf of Artemis."

Holly peered up at Artemis and Orion, noting the anxiety in both of their faces with a raised eyebrow. "Apology...apologies accepted. Right. We need to talk. Seriously. Both of you."

"Yes, yes, THE TALK," the projection of Orion said with a firm nod. "I have been anticipating this glorious conversation ever since we were on board the sea-vessel with the goodly beast."

Artemis looked around him, ignoring the construct of his mind. His eye rested upon the light source where there may or may not have been a camera. "This isn't private enough, Captain."

"Artemis..." Holly began, but her words died in her throat when Artemis leaned over and extricated the remote control from her grasp.

The teenager pressed a red button, and his v-space vanished in the blink of an eye. The projection of Orion held on for a few seconds longer and threw himself at Holly's feet, before he metaphorically died with one hand extended before him, as if he were about to screw in a light-bulb. Of course there was the customary fading cry of the extended "no" to go along with the novel scene.

"Fascinating." Artemis cocked his head to the side, staring at the Orion-shaped hole in the world.

"Artemis, that wasn't very nice. What did you just do that for?"

Artemis appeared to have not heard the question. He glanced up at the light source. "Miss Short, I have been thinking. I fancy myself to be quite the psychologist, so do you mind if we play a little game?"

"Aren't you a little old for-" Just humour him, Holly thought, and abruptly changed her line to, "What kind of game?"

"First of all, Miss Short, do you trust me?"

"With my life, Artemis," Holly replied without hesitation.

"Good, then let us pretend that I am Doctor Idiot, and that you are Artemis Fowl. Please lie down on the couch and close your eyes." Holly did as she was told. "Now, I shall ask you a few questions about your day."

Holly answered each question Artemis directed at her to the best of her ability. Meanwhile, she was getting more and more confused. _Talk to me, Artemis._ _What are you playing at_?

Her suspicions were confirmed when she caught him looking upwards again.

"I see," Artemis replied levelly after Holly had answered his last question. "Now please keep your eyes closed for a little while longer."

Holly was very tempted to take a peek, so she inched one slit of an eye open to see Artemis fiddling around with the contents of the trolley that she had wheeled in. Her heart began to speed up.

_What are you doing?_

She heard some rustling, and then she felt two cool circles being placed upon her forehead.

"We don't have much time. Miss Short, I'm going to ask you this again. Do you trust me?"

"Yes, Artemis!" Holly opened her eyes and exhaled in frustration. "And please stop being so formal with me."

Artemis stared at the elf with worry. Would this work? Of course it would. But would Argon see past all of his distractions? He hoped that the gnome had been too busy taking down notes for his new book. No doubt, he'd already started analysing this 'role play' farce act, and by the time he realised what was going on, then it'd be too late. In theory.

As if on cue, Holly began to feel woozy. Her eyes widened, and she struggled to sit up, but fell back onto the couch with a thud.

"Artemis? What's going on?"

Artemis was more than ready to launch into lecture mode. "Well, Miss...Holly, I am glad that you asked that question. After considering the scientific aspects of this device, I have decided that we can have THE TALK in my head. But in order to share our minds, my theory proposes that we would both need to be very much unconscious. And to that effect, I have equipped the electrodes attached to your head with half a shot of the sedative that Argon administers to me when...I am in my less lucid moments. Please do not attempt to fight it; magic will have no effect on the drug."

"This is madness!" Holly exclaimed, shaking her head from side to side. "Where did you even get the sedative from?"

"Why, from the trolley that you wheeled in, Holly. Look. The electrodes are the key. They'll synchronise our brainwaves, which will allow you to enter my mind space." Artemis showed Holly the wires that he had attached to the electrodes on her forehead. The ends of the wires were attached to his own electrodes. "Much better than Koboi's v-space, and now I'm injecting myself with the same sedative that I have just given you."

Four fives, Holly counted. Her vision was sliding out of focus.

"Artemis, please," she slurred. "If there was a camera in here, someone would've come in by now and put a stop to this."

Artemis shook his head with a sleepy yet knowing smile. He stumbled over to the couch and climbed onto an empty space.

"They won't, because yet again, I have been too clever. Once we've had THE TALK, then everything will be fine," he murmured, closing his eyes. "I'll give myself up afterwards. Promise."

Holly exhaled in resignation and gave up fighting the sedative. As Artemis' breathing slowed, he wriggled until he was in a more comfortable position. By chance, his fingertips brushed against Holly's. He felt her fingers wrap weakly around his, and he smiled as he drifted off into unconsciousness.

"Pinky promise."

Of course there was a hidden camera in Artemis' occupation cell, but even a raving lunatic was allowed _some_ level of privacy, so it had been switched off for Holly's visit. Therefore, it was either extremely bad luck, or a stroke of good fortune, that Doctor Argon chose this moment to sneak a peek at his celebrity. What he found when he cracked open the door was enough to shock all hopes of pending fame from his mind. As he sounded the alarm, he prayed that Artemis and Holly were both faking their comas...

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**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed me so far! OK, so this chapter had fewer cracktastic moments than I'd originally hoped. Comments please?**

**~ Sakina xxx**

**17.08.2010**


	3. Three

**Three.**

Artemis opened his eyes to find himself lying on the floor and looking up at...himself. He almost bolted upright, but it was a good thing he didn't, because that would mean that his forehead would come into contact with the forehead that was currently five centimetres away from his.

"Oh, you are awakened," Orion said, still much too close to Artemis for his liking. "T'is fortunate, for had you not regained consciousness, I would have been forced to administer the kiss of life to your person."

For once, Artemis was speechless. Orion straightened up and dusted his clothing, seemingly oblivious to what he had just said. Even in his stunned state, Artemis was able to note that Orion had switched outfits to a doublet and a pair of breeches. He emitted another strangled noise, and sat up to find himself back in his Fowl Manor office.

"Where's Holly?" Artemis immediately demanded, grasping his counterpart by the shoulders.

"I know not, my odious other," Orion replied with a heaving sigh.

Artemis released Orion and turned in the direction of his desk. He grabbed his black leather chair, wheeled it over and pointed at the seat, to make sure his meaning was idiot-proof. "Sit, please."

"No, I shan't 'sit please'." Orion pouted and folded his arms. "You're going to go questing for the fair princess, aren't you?"

"Incorrect," Artemis said. "I am going to go and look for Miss Short. Under no circumstances at all will I be engaged in the act of 'questing'."

And without further ado, Artemis strode off into the shadows. He returned a minute later with an unreadable expression upon his face.

"That was a quick quest," Orion quipped. "Game over?"

"I think that Miss Short is still in her own mind space."

Orion dropped his antics and switched to serious mode. "Do you think that we can venture there?"

"I just tried. Her subconscious threw me out," Artemis said curtly.

As Orion had already refused to 'sit, please', Artemis took the vacant chair, and drummed his fingers upon the armrest.

Holly was supposed to be with them right here, right now. They'd been linked together through the electrodes, so their brainwaves had to be in sync with each other. It all made sense in theory, but what if something had gone horribly wrong?

"What if she has been captured by your number fours?"

Artemis had forgotten about them. His fingers dug into his armrests as he straightened his back and turned his head this way and that, searching, until his eyes landed upon the eerie blue glow emanating from his oaken bookcases. There they were, spying on him from the recesses of his shelves. Hidden behind times and tomes of books, they occasionally peeked at him, only to whip away before he could do a head count. They giggled in a conspiratorial manner, delighted in having been discovered.

One of them winked knowingly at Artemis, and that was what sent him off the edge.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Doctor Argon had connected as much machinery as possible to both Holly and Artemis. He was currently monitoring their heart rates, blood pressure, brain waves, sugar content, and intestinal matter, but the only thing the stats told him was that Holly and Artemis were perfectly fine, except for the traces of sedative in their blood. The drug had been designed to keep the patient completely knocked out until it wore off. He'd shaken them both, and even resorted to scare tactics such as the surprise scream, but neither human nor elf responded.

He didn't dare touch the electrodes. Everything had suddenly spiralled out of his control, and it was all the gnome could do to keep himself from climbing into an examination couch to have his own personal breakdown. No doubt Cumulus would be having a field day if he was here right now.

_No, I can't let that quack doctor gloat!_

His eyes rested upon the electrodes again. That piece of tech had never been manipulated in this way before. Argon didn't understand what was going on, but he knew of someone else who would definitely be able to.

_Come on, pick up_. Doctor Argon stared at his phone, willing for the call to connect. However, there was a very good reason why Foaly wasn't picking up...

**THIRTY MINUTES AGO, ATLANTIS**

There was no one under the sea who could do a better impression of a stern statue, Foaly thought, sneaking another glance at Butler. This sentiment seemed to be shared by a few returning tourists. Undeterred by the recent catastrophe, and out to get the most value of their hard earned holidays, the holiday-goers managed to get in a few sneaky snaps of the bodyguard before their tour buggies trundled away. No doubt there would be images posted up on the Ethernet first thing tomorrow.

Mulch had called up Foaly again, this time to complain about being arrested for being in possession of an LEP vehicle without any relevant credentials. His charges also extended to alleged kidnapping of a Mud Girl, despite said Mud Girl taking out the officer who'd tried to arrest Mulch. It had taken Foaly a minute to clear the situation, and then Mulch had launched off onto a completely irrelevant topic. The dwarf couldn't resist talking to him.

Foaly was about to hit the hang up button when Juliet's voice punctuated the line. "Hey, Mulch, let me speak to my big brother for a minute."

"A minute? You're a Mud Girl. You'll be there for centuries!" The sound of female indignation reached Foaly's ears. Mulch decided to change tactics. "My pockets aren't made of gold...anymore. Do you know how expensive it is to make this long distance call?"

"If you don't let me talk to him, I'll tell him to crush you to a pulp the next time he sees you."

"You wouldn't do that...Foaly?"

"Still here, dwarf," snickered the centaur.

"Is the Mu-"

Foaly heard the phone being snatched away and then a female voice replaced the dwarf's gravelly tones. "Hey Foaly, is my big brother nearby?"

"As a matter of fact, he is. Hang on, I'll patch you through."

Patching Juliet through meant establishing contact with Butler via shuttle comms. There was a short burst of static, and then the centaur's tinny voice came through the sound crystal wedged in Butler's ear.

"Hey, Butler, you have a phone call. It's your sister but I don't think she's in any mortal danger. I'm a bit particular about my hardware, so would you mind if I just put my phone on speaker and then let you guys do your talking? Granted, it'll mean that I'll be able to hear everything you say, but I promise I won't butt in unless one of you starts singing."

Butler's face said no. Foaly suppressed the urge to shrink in on himself possessively.

"Heh, thought so. Couldn't you just let me reroute the line to you? It'll only take about five minutes...you don't like the sound of that? Carrotsticks," the centaur muttered. "Hang on a second..."

Foaly opened a hatch and slid the phone into a metal cradle. Leaning over his control desk, he pressed a button and a metal hand closed over the phone. Foaly pressed another button, and a small panel on the front of the ship slid open to reveal an extending metal arm that was elongating in Butler's direction. Attached to the arm was a hand, and attached to the hand was Foaly's waterproof and shock resistant phone.

"Don't drop it or get any scratches on it or scare it or press the button that says 'detonate' or -"

Foaly's words were cut off and he watched in horror as a shadow, a.k.a. the giant squid that he had failed to keep an eye on shot forwards with jet propulsion and engulfed the metal hand with its tentacles. The tentacles then bloomed open to reveal a phone-shaped pocket of water before the giant squid zoomed off with the spoils of war. All of this happened faster than one could say: '_Trolls cause terrible trouble in a tantrum_.'*

Unfortunately, Butler was still holding a corner of a city, so there wasn't much he could have done. He wasn't quite sure what the noise coming through the sound crystal was, but he guessed that the strangled whinny translated to something unprintable.

"Foaly, snap out of it! How fast can your shuttle go?"

"My phone..."

Butler ignored Foaly as the centaur began to list his phone's various specifications, as if he were reading a shopping catalogue. The bodyguard shifted himself so that he was supporting the weight of Atlantis with one hand, and jabbed his free fingers at collective groups of workers. "Alright, you, you, you and you! I have something very important to do so I need you to play fairy pyramid for a short while."

A few of the gnomes opened their mouths to argue, but they were cut short by a sound blast from Foaly's comms.

"Do what the Mud Giant says and I'll personally write to the LEP to ensure you get bonuses!"

"Ten percent?"

"Three." Foaly ground his teeth.

"Seven!"

"_Four_ plus two extra work holidays. Final offer."

The workers pretended to think. One of them glanced at Butler, and almost turned to stone.

"Deal."

And with that, they abandoned their tasks and swarmed up to take Butler's place. Thirty fairies standing on top of each other and swearing whilst supporting a corner of a city would be a wonderfully amusing sight any other day, but right now, Foaly's mouth was set in a grim line.

Butler stretched his aching muscles, revelling in freedom for a second, before he snapped his attention to Foaly's shuttle. He began to make his way over, but Foaly's voice buzzed through his sound crystal. "Butler, your pressure suit contains magnetised metal. Hold on tight."

The next thing the bodyguard knew, he was flying through the air and had his breath slammed from his lungs in a very painful manner upon bodily impact with the shuttle clamps, just as the shuttle lifted off the sea floor and propelled itself in the direction of the giant squid. There was only one word Butler could use to describe his current feelings, and once again, it was the same one borrowed from the fairy lexicon. "D'arvit!"

**NOW, ARGON'S CLINIC**

When Holly came to, she found herself in a cold and dark tunnel with a light at the end. Her first thought went something along the lines of, "By Frond, I've died!" and then her memories were kick-started. After a few seconds of analysis, she concluded that she couldn't yet rule out the possibility of being dead.

Holly pushed herself off the ground, expecting to hurt all over, but surprisingly enough she felt fine. How odd. Something else that she couldn't explain was why the light seemed to be getting closer. And multiplying.

Once it clicked that there was an army of fours stampeding towards her, Holly promptly began to run in the other direction. More concerned with her personal survival than trying to figure out what was going on, her hand went straight to her hip, but found empty air. D'arvit, where was her Neutrino?

The roar of an exponential number of fours was gaining on her. Up ahead, Holly saw a green door that looked oddly like the entrance to her home. It swung open, urging her to hurry...

And then the fours swarmed over her and under her, engulfing the poor elf so that she was lost below a mass of glowing, blue digits. Holly yelled for all she was worth, but her cries were drowned out by high-pitched giggles. Her world buckled as she lost her balance, and was swept back in the other direction, borne by the pointy tops of number fours. If she survived this madness, she would never look at a number in the same way again.

-x-

"No, I do not wish to play 'I-spy' with you, Orion. What I would like is for you to go on a quest and bring me back some elbow grease, sky hooks and tartan paint."

It took Orion a minute to realise that he had been insulted. "Artemis, why are you so mean to me? It's not like I spend my every waking moment trying to-" He broke off, and his tone suddenly changed gears. "Oh my rainbows, there's a monster four coming through the window!"

Artemis instantly snapped his head up, pulse sky-rocketing.

"Only joking, it's coming through the bookcase!" Orion cried, springing to his feet in anticipation of the battle that he had been preparing for, for his entire existence.

Meanwhile, the colour drained from Arty's face, and he surreptitiously inched his chair so that he was out of the line of fire. Had they been plotting against him all this time? Was this their new secret weapon? What if Orion couldn't save him! All these thoughts whirled desperately through his mind, causing him to shrink in on himself with a tremor. _I am going to be defeated by my own mind_, he thought bitterly, forcing himself to cast his gaze back to the action.

The monster in question seemed to be an amalgamation of fours, held together in the form of a diminutive bi-pedal entity that glowed an eerie blue. It possessed a foul mouth, and appeared to be expending more energy punching itself than at paying attention to Orion's medieval declarations of war.

"D'arvit, d'arvit, d'arvit!"

Artemis' ears pricked up and he cocked his head to the side, from the safety of his desk. _Could that blob be..._

The blob in question lunged for a bust of Archimedes from his desk, and began to beat off the squealing fours methodically and relentlessly. Patches of elf finally began to emerge from the blue glow.

"Holly!" Both boys cried.

Artemis jumped from his hiding position but didn't come too close. After all, the elf appeared to be doing a pretty good job of fending for herself. Orion seemed to have adopted the role of Florence Nightingale, and was busy picking up the battered fours, all of which seemed to be very scared of the raging Holly.

"There, there," Orion cooed, petting one mewling four before setting it upon the desk. Artemis couldn't tell if Orion's next words were meant in awe or fear. "Holly, you are a lean, mean, slaying machine!"

Holly rolled her eyes and bared her teeth at the remaining fours, which leapt from her with squeals and darted for the safety of the bookcase.

"Fascinating," Artemis said, taking a step towards the elf. "They seem to fear the Captain. Holly, I have a proposition for you. How would you like to spend the rest of your days, employed as my cerebral bodyguard? The benefits are endless. Negotiable work hours, incredible work bonuses and the privilege of living in my head. Consider it."

Holly looked at him as if he was crazy. Which he was.

"Did you send them after me?" Holly growled, folding her arms. Her foot began to tap an angry beat.

"Not in the slightest, Holly." After all the tension, Artemis found that he was overwhelmed by feelings of relief. "Holly?"

The elf looked up, eyebrow raised in question.

"May I endeavour to hug you?"

"Um...OK."

Holly stood there, eyebrow still raised. Meanwhile, Artemis stayed where he was standing, expression unfathomable. Rolling her eyes in exasperation, Holly stepped forwards and put her arms around the boy.

"Like this."

"I know."

Orion clapped. "My turn?"

"No." This came from both Artemis and Holly.

Before Orion could complain, Holly spoke. "Right, I don't understand what in the name of Frond is going on, and I am not going to try to. All I know is that you pulled me in here to talk, Arty, so can we please get onto it?"

"Of course, of course. In my currently more lucid state of mind, when I look back over everything, I begin to feel that several courses of action were perhaps a tad unnecessary."

"Such as the drugging."

"Yes. However," Artemis raised a finger, "For future reference, we now know that this technology can be used in this way to ensure complete privacy in conversation."

"Whoop-de-do, and the Nobel Prize goes to Mr Fowl," Holly muttered. A chair appeared behind her, and she sat down with a decisive thump.

Artemis' response was a wolfish grin.

Whilst they had been talking, Orion had slipped away. Now he returned, bearing a silver tray with a teapot, cups, and biscuits.

"I thought that we could all have a nice tea party. For you, fair maiden," Orion said with a bow as he poured a cup of Earl Grey tea for Holly.

Holly took the cup and cautiously sniffed the contents before taking a sip. Her eyes widened in surprise at how good it tasted. Orion poured out two more cups, one for himself, and the other for Artemis, who decided to save the metaphysical questions regarding brain food for later. They all sat in their respective seats and drank in an awkward silence for the first few minutes, trying not to make eye contact with each other.

"So...THE TALK."

Now that the moment had come, Artemis wasn't sure if he wanted to face it. But that was ridiculous. Worrying about this was the sole reason for his relapse out in the real world. So, he drew in a deep breath and took the plunge.

"Holly, whilst trapped in my own mind space, I do recall you saying to my significant other that we would need to have a long and serious talk."

"Yes, you did," Holly said. She chose her next few words carefully. "After giving the matter some considerable thought, I've come to realise that there isn't really much to say."

That didn't sound good. Orion's face fell, whilst Artemis remained impassive.

"But look at Turnball Root and Leonora!" Orion spluttered.

"Exactly. Look at what happened there." Holly waved a hand for emphasis. "This is not meant to be."

"Fair princess," Orion began, and then he threw himself at her feet, "You cannot deny that there is nothing between us." Holly opened her mouth to speak, but Orion continued, "I am very much aware of the absurdity of the situation, but if vampires and werewolves can make it work, then so can you and I, baby!"

Orion reached to take the hand of Holly, who was currently too stunned to react. Orion inclined his head, and gently pressed his lips to Holly's hand.

_Wait, what? That backstabbing traitor!_

"This is preposterous!" Artemis cried, standing up in a violent motion.

Orion discreetly glanced at Artemis, and shot the boy a cunning grin. For the time being, Holly was still too shocked to respond.

"Holly, you cannot be seriously considering that moron's proposal!" A strange look passed across Artemis' face. "You barely even know the fool!"

Holly opened and closed her mouth weakly, like a fish gasping for air.

"But I am simply you, without the boorishness. So your protest falls. Any other objections?" Orion asked. His eyes still held that sly expression.

At once, Artemis averted his gaze, refusing to acquiesce to the blush that was creeping upon his cheeks. Blasted hormones.

"Orion, this is ridiculous. And even if it wasn't: She. Would. Never. Pick. You." Each word was thoroughly punctuated and enunciated through gritted teeth.

Holly seemed to have recovered somewhat, and hastily withdrew her hand away from Orion. As the only adult in the room, she felt it was her civic duty to do something before war broke out.

"Both of you, stop it now!"

"Not until Artemis admits what he cannot deny any longer," Orion grinned, folding his arms.

Holly hadn't expected Orion to take this line of attack. Well, now that it had been brought up, Holly couldn't really ignore it either. She'd been hoping to take the conversation at her own pace, to try to minimise the awkwardness, but things just kept on spiralling out of her control. Artemis was clearly mortified, and as for herself? Well. Let's just say that she was doing her best to ignore the uncomfortable churning in her stomach.

"Well?" She turned to Artemis, with a gentler tone to her voice.

She noticed that he was unconsciously fiddling with a circular piece of gold, turning it over again and again. For a split second, the coin was angled so that she caught the hole in the centre.

Oh.

"My dearest elf," Orion said, to fill in the silence. "Do you remember my proposal, back when we were still in Iceland?"

"Not another proposal," Holly muttered. Artemis' sudden 'do you want to be the bodyguard in my head' proposal had been enough craziness. And yes, she distinctly recalled the shock of facing Artemis' other personality for the very first time.

Just then, the ground shook, sending tea splashing out of the cups. Everything went blurry for a few seconds, before settling back to normal.

"What was that?" Holly asked, wide-eyed.

At last, Artemis revolved to face his friend. "I fear that we have been discovered by our dear acquaintances in the real world who are now endeavouring to try and wake us up."

Holly frowned. "This means that our time is running out."

She reached out and placed her hand upon Arty's arm. For a millisecond, Holly felt his muscles tighten, but then he relaxed.

"After this, I don't think that Doctor Argon will allow me to visit you again, so please talk to me, Arty."

Artemis couldn't run away any longer. His shoulders slumped with a defeated sigh.

"Alright, Miss Short."

* * *

**Will this dispute be resolved before time runs out? Find out in the next (hopefully shorter) chapter! On a side note, everything here came out just how I wanted it xD**

***Quotation from The Eternity Code, Chapter 9.**

**Comments please?**

**~ Sakina xxx**

**21.08.2010**


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